Leaked: Details From Fine Gael’s ‘Swing-gate’ Report

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AFTER the embarrassing PR disaster that was Fine Gael TD Maria Bailey’s ‘Swing gate’ saga, Fine Gael endeavoured to launch an internal report into the exact nature of the TD’s claims and how the party itself has managed such issues.

Wanting to be seen to be taking action, Taoiseach Leo Varadkar paraded the report’s launch about as a symbol of Fine Gael’s transparent and flawless governance only to later confirm that the party would not be making the report public.

However, WWN has obtained details from the report despite the government’s best effort to suppress the public’s access to the potentially damaging document which lays bare the dysfunctional insurance industry in Ireland.

Introduction: Fine Gael set out that the report is to make absolutely no mention of the fact that the offices of Irish insurance industry were raided the European Competition Commission and stand accused of running a ‘cartel’.

Pages 1-20, the report details at length how fucking hard can it be to stay upright on a fucking swing? And if all Fine Gael TD received proper training in how to operate a swing we wouldn’t be in this fucking mess. Recommendation made to wrap all party TDs in bubblewrap.

Page 21 – at meeting of Fine Gael party, TDs asked to stand up if they have ever brought spurious and near-fraudulent insurance claims. It is said that at this meeting everyone stood up, upon sitting down again several TDs missed their seats and immediately placed themselves in neck braces and pretended to be slipping into comas.

Pages 22-48, Fine Gael members generally grumble and give out about how Sinn Féin’s Pearse Doherty tore into leading insurance industry figures at an Oireacthas committee.

“Doherty the do-gooding prick risks letting the public become aware of the fact that high insurance premiums might actually be the fault of insurance companies who have accumulated profits of €1.4 billion from the car insurance market alone over a decade, and that some lad being paid €60,000 for breaking a nail isn’t the real problem”.

Page 49 – After reading over draft version of report, Varadkar begin tearing out hair and panics about how stupid and incompetent it will make his stupid and incompetent party look. Says “can we insert some old bullshit about how we can’t publish the report because people giving evidence were told it wouldn’t be published? Ah, we can? Great stuff”

Page 50 – search history on every Fine Gael laptop, phone and tablet reveals ‘how to blame insurance costs on the little guy’ is most searched term.

Page 51 – “you’re a triathlon running man hunk, you’re a strong independent Taoiseach and don’t listen to people who say your voice sounds like a dying frog being trampled on by a herd of cows…Also remember to Google ‘how to build houses’ later” – an error sees one of the Taoiseach’s daily motivational messages to himself transcribed and included in the report.

Page – 52 “Whatever you do, don’t let the plebs see this”.

Conclusions – report suggests that Fine Gael says one thing in public about insurance industry and claims, then another thing in private, like a priest sinning behind the altar.

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