THE CENTRAL Bank of Ireland has proudly unveiled new €100 and €200 notes which are set to be put into circulation across the Eurozone however, it is highly unlikely you will ever see them.
The new notes are the same size of the €50 note, one you rarely bear witness to, meaning it will fit into wallets easier than previous incarnations and won’t fall prey to wear and tear.
“These notes have all loads of cool new-fangled security features on them, but look it, what difference does it make to you plebs, these would have no business being in your wallets,” confirmed an unusually frank Central Bank.
This marks a damaging defeat for shopkeepers throughout Europe as they lose their fight against being forced to provide change for large notes used to purchase a packet of chewing gum or similarly inexpensive items.
“We lobbied the EU quite hard on this issue but sadly we lost,” confirmed one Dublin shopkeeper who could at least gain some solace from the EU’s outright ban imposed on pensioners with bags of one cent coins in late 2015.
Elsewhere, people casually dropping how nice the new notes look and feel into conversations have been told to save everybody some time, open up their empty wallets and ‘cut the bullshit’.