Cryostasis: How You Can Beat Rising Rents

CAN’T afford the soaring price of rent in Dublin right now? Not fond of the idea of co-living? How about co-existing in cryogenic hibernation? One US company may have found a work-around for cash-strapped city-dwellers, and it’s a pretty cool one!

“We got the idea after we heard that several firms were offering to freeze their female employees eggs, to keep them productive and not lose them to motherhood” says Dave Harton, CEO of Freezertown, the new cryostasis service that offers customers the ability to be frozen in time, for the length of their choosing.

“If you can freeze an egg, then you can freeze a person. With the rental market through the roof right now, we’re offering people the chance to take a decade out by being frozen in our special chambers, to be released when rental prices fall below a level that you choose!”

Freezertown, currently being tested in the US, could set up in Dublin by the end of the year, and promises to freeze customers in a manner that is spatially and financially economical.

“We can fit 60 perfectly frozen people into the same space that is being offered by the government’s co-living projects” continued Harton, showing us designs for the impressive compound.

“Therefore the monthly cost to the consumer is 1/60th of what their rent would be per month. 5 years accommodation, for the price of one month. And as I said before – how long you stay under is up to you. You go in when the average rent is €1,300 per month, with a guarantee that we won’t chill you out until it drops below 800. You’ll have missed years of interactions with your loved ones, but at current rental prices, how much were you going to see them anyways?”

UPDATE: Housing Minister Eoghan Murphy is said to have ‘fainted with delight’ upon hearing of the new scheme, with Taoiseach Leo Varadkar stating that the project has his full blessing, providing FG-friendly freezees are defrosted temporarily to vote in the General Election.