Increase In Rivalling Canvassers Fighting To The Death

OVER 47 canvassers have been killed in the last two weeks following a spate of death matches between rivalling parties and independents as the local and European elections loom ever closer.

Desperate to secure number one votes for their preferred politicians, volunteering canvassers have now become the most dangerous job in the country, with gardaí calling on the public to report any death matches.

“So far 12 women and 35 men have died in these one-on-one battles, with no end in sight to the madness,” Garda Tadhg Roche told WWN. “Politicians should take responsibility for the deaths and should make sure that their canvassing teams should not to cross paths, which lead into these spontaneous street fights”.

It is understood that an unwritten rule which stipulates that all canvassers, male and female, must fight to the bitter end to protect their turf once challenged in an area while out looking for votes.

“The constituents cheering them on are also part of the problem here,” Garda Roche added, “as adults, we should not be encouraging this kind of ludicrous behaviour on our streets. It’s just not worth the loss of life, despite how annoying these people are”.

In one such fight today, a Fine Gael canvasser was battered to death by a Sinn Fein representative using a bundle of Pearse Doherty leaflets, putting Sinn Fein on top of the deathmatch leaderboard, with people before profit in second place with 14 confirmed kills so far.