SOURCES close to Taoiseach Leo Varadkar are reporting that he is down to his last Horcrux, the sole remaining fragment of his political soul, fragments that were strategically placed into various policies for the purpose of attaining immortal power.
“The Taoiseach obviously felt that if his government’s ineptness was spread out across a multitude of departments and policies, no resulting scandal would be big enough on its own to topple him but one by one they’re destroying him” confirmed an insider who briefly skimmed JK Rowling’s Guide To Politics.
He Who Shall Not Be Held Accountable For Any Of His Government’s Policies, Varadkar, has seen each scandal, cock up, delay, ballooning budget and instance of blatant lies and spin lead to the chipping away of his soul, shattering Horcrux after Horcrux.
“Yeah if he keeps trying to deny claims made by consultants at Waterford University Hospital about dead bodies being left to decompose on trolleys in corridors despite clear evidence, that’s a Horcrux gone,” added the insider, who explained even the HSE admitted in 2003 that the hospital mortuary was not fit for purpose.
The Taoiseach’s devoted band of followers, known as ‘PR companies whose invoices are due to be paid’, have proven no match for certain journalists, members of the public, facts and whistleblowers.
“No one is quite sure how many Horcruxes he actually has but surely with Cervical Check, the Children’s Hospital, housing, multinational’s tax affairs, rising inequality, the handling of the Tuam babies, rural Ireland and broadband his time is coming to an end,” concluded the insider.
The last almost indestructible Horcrux which could see the Taoiseach’s political life snuffed out is thought to be located in Brexit.