AS THE SALE of media group Independent News and Media, which owns the Irish Independent among other titles, to a Belgian company is finalised it looks likely one of its main shareholders, Denis O’Brien, will make an estimated loss of €450 million on his investment.
Upon first hearing this news, many people have reportedly struggled with how to fully acknowledge and adequately celebrate the financial misfortune of one Ireland’s richest men. If you are one such person, look no further than WWN’s guide below:
1) Being painfully aware of Mr. O’Brien’s propensity to engage in legal action against anyone who besmirches his name, you may be concerned about finding yourself in court in you partake in any gleeful celebration of his €450 million loss.
WWN is here to put you at ease. One legal action-proof way to celebrate the news is by digging a hole 150 feet below ground and constructing a sound proof room at the bottom of this crater. This room should have no CCTV cameras and no audio recording equipment. You can’t risk him finding out. It should fit only one person. In here, out of the view of anyone connected to O’Brien’s legal team you can enjoy one fist pump of triumph. Saying “ha ha ha ha ” is optional but recommended.
2) Swim out to an inhabited island, once again, celebrating in seclusion is advised. The Blasket Islands is a good shout but if you’re a fan of the sun there’s plenty of islands out Palau way. Bring a 6-pack of cans with you, you’ve earned it. Sure, the Moriarty Tribunal cost the taxpayer roughly €100 million and you’re still waiting for the gardaí to act on some of the findings, but it could be worse you could have spunked €500 million on the Sunday Life magazine.
3) Get blind drunk and generally go hell for leather. Fuck it, good news stories are a rare thing these days. Enjoy yourself. And hey, if you’re hungover and looking for something to read you can now finally buy the Indo again.