UNDER new proposals put forth by the lad at the end of the bar who always bangs on about the foreigners after a few pints, every person seeking to become an Irish citizen should be made ‘do one of them tests, like they have in the States’.
With levels of council house-stealing immigration at an all time high in Peter Casey voters’ heads, now more than ever, such a stringent test is needed to make sure only the most Irish of Irish people can be Irish in Ireland.
Could you pass the Irish Citizenship Test which sees Taoiseach Leo Varadkar hand out 40,000 free houses a week to members of ISIS? Now’s the time to put yourself to the test and see how well you know Ireland and if you’re deserving of living here:
Q: Are you ‘Irish’ Irish or did your family swan in with the Vikings in the 8 century you economic migrant scum?
a) No, I’m proper Irish
b) Ah shit, you’ve got me there.
Q: Áed Uaridnach was the High King of Ireland between 604-612AD, everyone knows that obviously, but who did he succeed?
a) Yer man with the name, ah you know it.
b) I know this one…I’m just not telling you.
Q: Are you willing to assimilate, respect Irish traditions and culture?
a) Do you mean stuff like hurling and the Irish language or do I have to go the ‘full Irish’ and say nothing while babies are buried in septic tanks?
b) It’s a bit assimi-late for that I’ve already burned down a few churches and brought in Sharia Law to my local GAA club.
Q: Coming over here and…
a) Contributing positively to Ireland?
b) Stealing your job?
Q: Do you even speak the language?
a) Its not ‘the langwage’ its’ you’re language. Jesus, have sum pride in you’re cuntry and Irish.
b) No, like a significant amount of Irish people I do not speak Irish.
Q: Okay, let’s get serious. No Googling this one for this answer – Gay Byrne, the Celtic Tiger, Irish Water, the Anglo Irish Treaty, Bishop John Charles McQuaid, Sinead O’Connor, Wanderly Wagon, Saipan, Baptising your kids to keep the parents happy, Oxegen, Club Milk, Cadet Cola, Pat Spillane?
b) This isn’t a question?
Mostly a’s: Sorry pal, you’re not getting in tonight it’s a bit full, maybe come back tomorrow night, yeah? There’s a good lad.
Mostly b’s: Sorry pal, according to a YouTube video I watched that has 458 views you’re part of a Jewish plot to make sure there are no white people left in Ireland by the year 2030, also, you can’t get in here wearing white trainers and no shirt. Move on.