A RECENT study conducted by Trinity College, Dublin in partnership with St. John’s College, Cambridge and Oriel College, Oxford suggests that you really need to get your act together pal, and pronto.
While the study failed to state a specific timeline in which you are required to “get it the fuck together”, it is believed sooner the better is preferable.
The 434 page academic study is an exhaustive dive into your life and leaves everyone, yourself included, in no doubt that boy oh boy now is as good a time as any to “cop the fuck on”.
Chapter after chapter, with titles such as ‘lack of exercise’, ‘subject’s porn searches become weirder part II’, ‘subject under impression chocolate is a vegetable’, ‘subject goes 3 weeks without ingesting any water, how is he still alive?’, ‘indisputable instances of hand down crouch, scratching at testicles while in public’ and ‘not doing a lick in work’, highlight the true scale of how you need get your act together.
“We take no great pleasure in delivering this report, but the evidence is overwhelming, you’d want to cop on pal, seriously” the study’s author Professor Oleg Lynskey shared with you at a media conference announcing the study’s findings.
The landmark study, which costed in excess of €1 million, was commissioned by your parents who have had it up to here with you if they’re being honest.