Man United Just 25 New Signings Away From Competing At Highest Level Again

AFTER A sobering 4-0 aggregate defeat at the hands of Barcelona, football observers believe Ole Gunnar Solskjaer’s side are just 25 elite level players away from bridging the gap between United and Europe’s top clubs.

Careful to note that United will ‘need to rebuild’ after the rebuilding phase overseen by David Moyes which was rebuilt during the Louis Van Gaal tenure and rebuilt again under Jose Mourinho, Solskjaer hinted that minor changes need to be made.

“We just need 25, maybe 26 elite players sought after by every other top club in the world that somehow cost £100 million each and have £750,000 a week wage demands and we’ll be ready,” Solskjaer said, shortly before breaking into tears at the sight of Phil Jones and Chris Smalling pushing the ‘pull’ sign on the United team bus door.

Ed Woodward confirmed that he is leaving no stone unturned in a bid to address long standing issues with the make up of the United squad, starting with tying Antonio Valencia down to a new 6-year contract and will also look into fans’ request that he buy the entire Ajax team.

“Get De Gea a new contract, give Pogba more freedom, Rashford at striker every game, we just need to splurge a billion, two billion tops on players to compete for the chance to still lose to City in the league,” confirmed a wildly optimistic United fan, who would break your heart.

Showing he hasn’t lost his sense of humour after the crushing defeat, Solskjaer told the press that in order to succeed he “will have to be given time by United’s owners”.