TWO mouthwatering ties await soccer fans as the Champions League kicks off its quarterfinal stage with a bang. WWN Sport looks ahead to Liverpool V Porto and Spurs V City and previews the key factors at play in the high profile first legs:
Liverpool V Porto
Jurgen Klopp has said his side will not underestimate their opponents tonight, which is the surest sign yet that Liverpool will most definitely be underestimating Porto and are already looking ahead to the semi-finals.
“Have you considered upgrading to the Golden Premium Package at Anfield for the semi-final first leg?” read Klopp’s programme notes for tonight’s game.
In preparation for tonight’s game former Real defender and current Porto centre half Pepe has already practiced his walk off the pitch after he receives his inevitable red card.
An extensive scouting reports compiled by Liverpool fans have left no stone unturned and confirmed ‘Porto are shite’, which could make any potential loss highly amusing for non-Liverpool fans.
In the wake of his shirtless goal celebration against Southampton which saw him skillfully avoid the embrace of his teammates, Mohamed Salah has denied he covers himself in baby oil before each match.
Salah breaking his goal drought has increased his chances of passing to a teammate in a better position by 0%.
As Sky Sports do not have the rights to the Champions League games it is believed Gary Neville and Jamie Carragher will be spending the evening practicing walking away from Kelly Cates while talking in a less awkward manner. New options explored by Sky Sports include using a jet pack or bungee chord.
Spurs V City
Leaked tactical analysis from Man City’s genius manager Guardiola shows the former Barce man has been running his players through marathon 8-hour tactics briefings titled ‘Sissoko is not very good, fingers crossed he starts’.
However, the tie itself is in jeopardy after Kevin De Bruyne trashed the dressing rooms in Spurs’ shiny new stadium and took a digger to the new pitch, stating how unimpressed and pointless stadiums are as ‘everyone has one’. De Bruyne then had an existential crisis and refused to get out of the digger as he blasted some Nirvana on his phone while sobbing ‘what is football anyway? What am I?’
People who have next to no knowledge of football, but are being forced into watching this match by a friend, father or partner, can conceal their disinterest and lack of knowledge by simply shouting “watch Bernardo Silva. Fuck me, look at that movement on AND off the ball” at any point during the game.
Spurs v City is set to be a high tempo game with wall-to-wall aggressive pressing, dominated by technically gifted players which make your criticisms and shouts of ‘fuck sake, control the ball’ all the more pathetic considering your weekly wheezing 5-a-side performances.
Gordon Strachan will be commentating on tonight’s game, but to avoid any controversial and idiotic comments, his commentary will be delivered via a two-hour delay in a bid to give broadcaster’s legal department enough time to cover their arses.