NEW biological research into the behaviour of plants has found strange electronic signals from trees in the grips of being succumbed by Hedera, commonly called ivy, indicates trees actually quite like being choked to death of light.
Using sophisticated electronic probes which read into the various chemical and electrical reactions of plants, researchers at WIT college in Waterford found ‘climactic-like orgasms’ emanating from mature trees that were being strangled by ivy.
“‘Yeah, baby, harder, just around the branch there. Yeah, that’s it. Harder! All over my bark, you dirty little ivy slut’ is basically a direct translation from the trees we’ve tested so far,” Professor Kevin Rogers told WWN, who spent years translating his findings into human speak.
“The Dutch Elms are the worst; I can’t even repeat what those filthy feckers say while being choked out by ivy; trees aren’t as innocent as you think,” he added.
In some instances, large amounts of sap was recorded seeping from some trees that were being choked, leading researchers to believe that most trees actually ejaculate when aroused enough.
“They love being choked,” Prof. Rogers explained while pointing to a graph depicting large spikes where the ivy was at its tightest. “Kinky fuckers. I think they just love being dominated – gaspers we call them – constantly gasping for it too”.
The groundbreaking new research is set to revolutionise how humans perceive plants and trees, with research now indicating that dying by erotic asphyxiation to be the number one goal of a tree.