Nation’s Restaurant Staff Kiss Their Families Goodbye Ahead Of Mother’s Day Carnage

“Don’t worry sweetie, daddy will hopefully be back at some stage tonight,” emotional bar manager Tony Holden advised his young daughter, ahead of the busiest day on his roster, “and if I’m not back, it just means daddy is trying to process today with the aid of some alcohol”.

Tony Holden is just one of thousands of anxious hospitality staff making their way to the dreaded warzone they once called work.

“It might be different this year,” 27-year-old waitress Jenny Thompson tried to tell herself as she travelled on the bus to work, before seeing large flocks of done up women on the street, “oh Jesus Christ, we’re all fucking doomed! Hopefully the bus will crash or something so I’ll have an excuse”.

Mother’s Day in Ireland has become one of the most torturous days on the food and drink calendar, slowly taking over the reputations of New Years and Stevens Day for the demanding toll it takes on the staff of bars and restaurants alike.

“I just want to die,” pleaded chef Mark Doyle now handing this reporter a large kitchen knife while laughing maniacally, “can you just stab me in the gut? I’ll just say it was an accident. Yeah, or, you could just hack off my hand or something, anything? I’ll give you two grand?”

It is estimated over 500 thousand mothers are to descend on villages, towns and cities across the country in the hopes of celebrating their one and only day off in the year where they can let their hair down and not give one single fuck about anything.

“May God have mercy on us all,” prayed publican Davey Hackett, now blessing his staff and restaurant before opening the doors and getting trampled to death.