“14 Dead Bodies Insufficient Evidence,” Confirm British Government

AFTER learning that Northern Ireland’s Public Prosecution Service will prosecute just one of 16 British soldiers for their involvement in ‘Bloody Sunday’ in Derry in 1972, the British government has concurred with the PPS that the bodies of 14 civilians amounted to nothing more than insufficient evidence.

‘Soldier F’ will now face trial in connection with the murders of William McKinney and Jim Wray, both shot in the back. Surprisingly, the soldier will be in a truly disgusting position of being legally and financially supported by the British government for his part in their murders.

“I had no idea the British army was ever in Northern Ireland,” confirmed Karen Bradley, Northern Ireland Secretary, taking yet another well earned break from letting her two brain cells communicate with one another.

In 2010, former prime minister David Cameron stated in the wake of the Bloody Sunday inquiry that “there is no doubt, there is nothing equivocal, there are no ambiguities. What happened on Bloody Sunday was both unjustified and unjustifiable” and “you do not defend the British Army by defending the indefensible”.

However, today British Defence Minister Gavin Williamson has said “fuck that” and insisted what a terrible tragedy it is for murdering soldiers to be brought to justice after British authorities fought tooth and nail for nearly 50 years against grieving families courageously seeking justice.

“It’s weird,” reported one person catching up on the disappointing news, “because when the British government says ‘insufficient evidence’ I actually hear ‘State sanctioned murdering of unarmed civilians’. But I know it’s them that needs the hearing test, not me”.