HEARTLESS footballer Declan Rice heartlessly broke the hearts of Ireland today with a heartlessly well-worded and perfectly reasoned if disappointing official statement in which he confirmed he would be dumping the nation the day before Valentine’s Day.
Insiders with a closer understanding of Rice’s thinking have confirmed he felt Irish football fans came on way too strong, ultimately pushing the 20-year-old footballer away who was reluctant to take the relationship to the ‘next level’.
“My boo, my beau, my bae. How could he do this,” confirmed a distraught Ireland, who if it was being honest knew long ago Rice was way out of Ireland’s league.
After collecting itself, Ireland admitted Rice’s recent behaviour made a little more sense now, as he had seemed distant and disinterested for some time.
“We can change, you don’t have to do this. Please Deccy, my little bowl of Rice, please,” Ireland called out, knowing full well it couldn’t change its overbearing and obsessive ways.
Running the gauntlet of the five stages of grief in a maddening 10 seconds as the news set in, Ireland, clearly hurt began lashing out.
“The day before Valentine’s Day. Really? Oh fine, enjoy your slutty England, but it won’t worship you like we did when you glided all over our green grass,” Ireland cried out.
Calming itself down, Ireland unfollowed Rice on Instagram despite knowing that after a few glasses of wine tomorrow night it would be prowling social media for pictures of Rice with England, only serving to deepen its heartache.