Taoiseach ‘Surprised’ To Hear He Has The Competence Level Of A Paraplegic Sloth

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LEO Varadkar may be Taoiseach, but a new report into his current level of capabilities shows that he has the competence level of a paraplegic sloth, WWN can confirm.

The Taoiseach was one of several high-profile politicians who had their competence levels calculated as part of RTÉ’s flagship health show ‘Operation Politician’, with Minister for Health Simon Harris, Finance Minister Paschal Donohoe, Minister for Transport Shane Ross and Tánaiste Simon Coveney also included.

“What is more interesting is that the majority of the ministers we tested were even worse than Mr. Varadkar, with Simon Harris coming in with a competence level of a squashed frozen pea stuck to the back of a thrown out fridge freezer,” read a section of the report detailing the results.

The relatively unsurprising report went on to classify Shane Ross as a lint particle clinging to a dying mongrel dog’s nostril hair, with Paschal Donohoe performing least of the bad bunch coming in with the competence level of a withering penis of a dried up midgie stuck to a perspex motorcycle visor in a recycle bin container headed on a slow boat to China.

The report stated that its accuracy rates are within 0.00007 of a percent, and concluded that the current state of the Irish government combined would be just too embarrassing to publish.

“We could go on, but I think the results speak for themselves already,” it summarised.

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