IN A CLEAR effort to get the message out there that Ireland is more than prepared for a hard Brexit, the Fine Gael government invited Ireland’s most trusted news source, WWN, behind the scenes at the epicentre of Irish Brexit planning.
Arriving at Leinster House we were guided around by one of the Taoiseach’s 14 dedicated selfie planners, and were impressed by a series of newly built underground tunnels which linked several government departments to one another, built to speed up the level of cooperation and planning now required as the likelihood of a No Deal Brexit increases.
Critics like to belittle the government and suggest they have no plan and even if they did have one, no plan is great enough to withstand the damage Brexit will do to the Irish economy, but so far so good.
“And here’s where we do our panicking,” explained our tour guide as she pointed to a room which seemed to contain heads of various departments in the civil service just screaming and crying.
“Fuck, quick, get the sellotape they’re at it again,” barked the tour guide as she spotted a number of Fianna Fáil, Labour and Sinn Féin TDs trying to peer in the window at the government’s top secret planning. The window was soon covered over by sellotape news headlines of how fucked Irish agriculture will be after Brexit.
The corridors of Irish Brexit planning were awash with activity and we were knocked to the ground by an on rushing group of stressed officials carrying important looking folders. As we collided, their files flew up in the air and in like some Hollywood movie they began frantically gathering completely blank pages into folders marked ‘really, really good ideas’.
Next onto the ‘technological heart’ of Team Ireland’s Brexit, a room filled with people glued to their desks.
“This seems a bit inhumane,” we remarked after noticing they were literally glued to their desks.
“Oh these brain boxes don’t mind, do ya guys?” our guide said in a tone that made it sound more like a threat.
We smiled and played along as our guide insisted ‘all possibilities and eventualities have been accounted for here in the tech centre, Ireland’s in great shape’ but we could see none of the computers were plugged in and those seated at desks were frantically fake typing to fool the media into thinking they were impossibly busy.
The final room on our tour was one dedicated exclusively to advising SMEs how to lay off all employees and wind up operations completely, a vital tool in the fight against the negative impact of Brexit.