Humanely Euthanising United Fans To Put Them Out Of Their Misery, A Guide

IF YOU feel compelled to bring an end to the seemingly unending suffering of the nearest and dearest Manchester United fan in your life you may think humanely euthanising them is the only option open to you, and you are right.

Although they may insist that they have accepted the recent 3-1 battering from fierce rivals Liverpool, and that manager Jose Mourinho has stripped them of all dignity, joy and hope, the evidence that they still possess a delusional hope of a return to the glory days remains.

It is for this reason that you may believe drastic must be taken, and once again you are correct. You know the time is right when Jose Mourinho himself has reportedly hired a trained sniper to take him at an undisclosed time, to end his own self-inflicted misery.

“We’ll regroup when Jose’s gone”, “We’ll be fine once we get a Director of Football in”, “PSG isn’t a bad draw, they’re not as solid as they look. Bunch of overpaid pansies”, “Beating Bournemouth away is huge” – it’s heartbreaking to hear these things, and knowing deep down the delusion is terminal.

The sight of United forward Romelu Lukaku playing like he has had his limbs surgically removed and reattached incorrectly in some sort of hilarious medical mishap can only sustain laughter for so long. Eventually, the damage is done and the United fan in your life is lost to a failing mind, a mind that long ago lost touch with reality.

Why let this go on for any other reason than your own amusement? You must think clearly, let your compassion guide your decision. But how can someone achieve this? WWN Sport can help.

Purchase ‘night night pills’ from Man United official sleep insomnia partner in South East Asian, Youth In Asia, or buy a branded ‘no more pain’ MUFC hammer courtesy of the club’s new sponsorship with a Senegalese hammer manufacturer and follow the instructions.

Don’t worry, you’re doing the right thing.