FOLLOWING a two thousand year hiatus, Jesus Henry Christ talks to WWN about life, his latest book, and a range of bad habits he’s picked up over the years which he claims are the direct consequence of being born in a barn.
We caught up with the only son of God in a city centre Starbucks where he was busy writing his latest gospel on an Apple iMac, dressed in the guise of the many fashion conscience hipsters scattered around him.
“Is that a skinny mocha frappuccino now?” he replied to a call from a female staff member shouting the name ‘Jesus of Nazareth’, before turning to this reporter to apologise, “sorry, I’ll be with you in a minute, these barista’s always fuck up my order”.
Sitting back down with his upper lip caked in frothy skimmed milk, Jesus got straight into it: “Thanks for agreeing with my agent to meet me here. It’s hard to find places where I just blend into the background. My fans can be a little extreme”.
“No, thank you,” I replied, intrigued by his latest book. “Your agent says you’re going back to your roots with this one?”
“Yeah, Dad thinks the last one was a bit too controversial,” he said, referring to the millions of people who died as a direct result of the Bible, “fair enough, we sold billions of them, but the fallout was insane; people being burned at the stake, crucifixions – it wasn’t ideal”.
“So, what’s the premise, then? Is it fiction again, or what?” I asked, apprehensively.
“It’s my life story: ‘Born In A Barn’,” Jesus said. “No more fairy tales. No ghost writers. Just a simple autobiography outlining my psychological issues growing up and how I overcame them.
“Mental health is in right now. It’s a no brainer and we need a big newspaper and publisher on board to help sell it”.
“So, it’s a book about your problems?” I ask, knowing the saturated market Jesus was attempting to jump into.
“Well, yeah. Stuff like how I’m forever leaving doors open, that kind of thing,” Jesus said, now checking out a female member of staff as she passed.
“Hmm, but are the issues you have life threatening or relatable to today’s society. I don’t see how leaving doors open can..”
“No, no, no, listen: if you leave a plane door open what happens, huh? Or a car door. Fucking dangerous, that”.
“But Jesus, it feels a little empty, dare I say it shallow? Considering all the massive problems people have these days with stress, anxiety, depression…”
“Ah yeah, just fucking typical. If Meghan Sparkle or whatever her name is farted wrong, you’d have a 10 page spread on it,” Jesus retorted, the wounds on his hands now starting to weep in anger.
“Being born in a barn doesn’t really constitute a heart wrenching book. It seems like you’re only doing it for the sake of kudos, Jesus? Like you don’t actually care about your so-called condition, but just want to benefit from it?”
“Okay, okay, what about that post traumatic stress thing then? I was nailed on a fucking cross for three days, lad. We could play on something like that?”.
“Yeah, Jesus, I just don’t think the public will go for it, ya know? But do please keep trying. It has been 2,000 years since your last book, so take your time, no need to just rush a book out for the sake of it.”
“Obviously my problems aren’t good enough for you people anymore. Died for your sins and all I get is them thrown back in my face”.
“Now, now, Jesus, don’t be like that, it’s just a tough market out there…”
With that, Jesus slammed down his iMac in disgust and stood up, staring at this reporter for what appeared to be an eternity.
“I could actually kill you right now with my mind, but I won’t,” he said, before leaving me with his Starbucks bill.