NEW research into the beliefs and behaviours of under-10s has shown that in order to buy into the complicated rituals and logistics surrounding the myth of Santa Claus, kids must be fairly fucking stupid or at least seriously gullible, WWN can report.
The findings show that in order for any right-minded human to believe that a single man can receive requests for toys from every child on earth, before constructing and delivering them all in the space of a single night via flying reindeer, they must be very far down the scale of intelligence, ‘possibly to the point of being total thickos altogether’.
Alarmingly, the study shows that if children are willing to buy into the idea that an elf can make a PlayStation 4 with a chisel in the North Pole, then their young brains could be susceptible to any number of life-altering beliefs and suggestions.
“If a child can believe with all his heart that a man with a sack full of toys can squeeze down a chimney, then what else could we seed into their mushy brains?” mused one researcher.
“Could we, for example, tell these kids that there’s an invisible man who lives in the sky who made the whole earth, and will burn us forever if we don’t follow the rules laid out in a book that he may or may not have written? And that if you love this space god, then you have to go out and defend him in wars against people who believe in other space gods, in a bid to save the ones they love from this eternal fire or whatever? I don’t see why not; this study shows kids are thick, they’ll believe anything a grown-up decides to tell them”.
The study also concluded that you could instill children with pretty much anything from patriarchal notions to white privilege if you wanted too, but luckily society doesn’t do anything as needlessly harmful as that.