CONTINUED upheaval in the British Tory party and politics in general across the water means the likelihood of a ‘no deal’ Brexit seems more certain with each passing second.
Irish businesses, along with their employees are keen to learn what strategies and safeguards are being put in place by the Irish government in a bid to counteract any economic fallout from Britain’s exit from the EU.
Well WWN has got its hands on documents code-named ‘Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit’ which outline a number of procedures, proposals and endeavours planned by the Irish government and its various departments, which we have detailed below.
Just how will Taoiseach Varadkar and his cabinet colleagues protect Irish people against any economic fallout? Read on to find out:
1) The government has committed to blaming a deal or no deal Brexit for no social housing being built.
Fianna Fáil have vowed to support the government in any emergency measures which ensure Brexit can be used as an excuse for not building any housing units.
In a positive sign for any worried citizens, the government has already booked the Late Late Show for the Taoiseach to give an interview in which he can say ‘the economic impact of a no deal Brexit means we didn’t hit targets on housing we had no desire of hitting anyway”.
2) The same excuse will be rolled out for all public service investment such as in the HSE, or any demands for a pay increase from nurses, teachers or guards.
3) While some rural areas will be further plunge into an economic apocalypse characterised by a lack of investment and infrastructure the government has confirmed everyone will still be able to get Sky Sports. In one concession the government will allow farmers to brake every environmental and emission related laws Ireland has.
4) The government have confirmed a so-called ‘war chest’, a huge financial fund, will be available to invest around the country. This money will be spent around the nation on preventing Sinn Féin from banging on about a United Ireland and a Border Poll.
Members of Young Fine Gael will be dispatched with megaphones to routinely shout “everything is fine”.
5) Maybe your pension will be wiped out, maybe it won’t who knows. This isn’t part of preparations by the government but it’s a bit worrying.
6) During the Roman Empire, rich people paid peasants to be professional mourners at their funerals, similarly Fine Gael will hire young looking lads that work out at the gym, wear suits, send you dick pics on dating apps and call themselves ‘entrepreneurs’ to comment below any LinkedIn statuses talking down the Irish economy, threatening them with violence.
7) After long ago stating there is potential for 40,000 job losses in Ireland under a no deal Brexit, the government will realise it massively miscalculated its last two Budgets and will decide to cut the dole, raise third level fees, privatise the HSE, increase tax loopholes for multinationals and wait around for someone to blame it all on people in Direct Provision centres.