Sales Of Cocaine And Pianos Soar Following New John Lewis Ad

THE unveiling of the annual John Lewis Christmas ad has sparked a mass panic among consumers, who have rushed their nearest branch of the department store in a bid to snap up a few upright pianos, pink-lensed glasses, cocaine and Watford FC season tickets.

The high-end retailer which has become famous in the past ten years largely for their show-stopping, heartrending Christmas ads, unveiled their new commercial earlier today; a poignant tale of how Sir Elton John went from being a wide-eyed little boy on Christmas morning, to being a bitter and unloved old man who appears to be alone on Christmas day, peppered with scenes of his hedonistic cocaine-heavy heyday throughout.

With no mention of the store or any specific product throughout the piece, viewers were initially confused as to whether or not they were actually watching a trailer for Rocket Man, the upcoming Elton John biography, but as the end frame came up their retail triggers were fired and they rushed off to buy everything they had just seen.

“The bit in the middle, where it’s from the 70s to 80s when Elton was off his fucking face, that really got me in the mood for a White Christmas if you know what I mean,” said one customer, asking a John Lewis employee to point them towards the cocaine aisle.

“And there’s a piano in the ad too, so I suppose… I suppose I’d better get one too? I can’t really tell what to get for my friends and loved ones at Christmas without being expressly told by corporations, so I always wait until the John Lewis ad before making any decisions. Couple of years ago, it was a boxer dog and a trampoline. This year, a Joanna and a gramma”.

Sir Elton John has been unavailable for comment, as he is unreachable through a solid wall of money.