5 Sensible Amendments To Abortion Legislation Suggested By Danny Healy Rae

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PROFESSIONAL performance artist and idiot imitator Danny Healy Rae has made a rare decision to break from his long standing act as a charlatan pretending to be thick to lull you into a false sense of security by suggesting some seriously sensible amendments to the Ireland’s abortion legislation as it goes through the committee stage of Dáil proceedings.

In total, 180 amendments have been proposed to the bill drafted by the government and while some suggestions directly mimicking cynical and craven right wing American tactics when it comes to making legal abortions incredibly onerous for women, Healy Rae, a representative of the 58.3% of people in Kerry who voted to repeal the 8th Amendment, has made only sensible, well meaning suggestions.

1) No little babas between the ages of ‘born’ and 45 years of ago should be made do nothing they don’t wan’ta

Bless Danny all the same, he’s fierce gas. And to think some people don’t take him seriously. While fundamentally opposed to all forms of abortion, Healy Rae would not rule out trying to win the contract to tarmac all roads leading to medical facilities where abortions took place.

2) It should be a crime for a woman not to bury or cremate a fetus following a termination of pregnancy

Oh shit, right, eh, Danny, along with his brother Michael Healy-Rae and fellow TDs Michael Lowry, Mattie McGrath, Michael Collins, Peter Fitzpatrick, Carol Nolan, Michael Fitzmaurice and Noel Grealish are sensibly tabling an amendment that would see women face criminal charges for failure to comply.

3) Can a lady woman get pregnant if she’s on top?

Exchanges during the Oireachtas Health Committee show Healy Rae deviated at times from proposing amendments and instead just seeking to have his basic queries about women and the female reproductive system answered, some 40 years after he should have looked it all up himself.

He narrowly avoided serious injury when trying to demonstrate the correct way to put a condom on when the banana he was using as a stand in for a man’s penis was flung into the air at speed.

4) Healy Rae along with those same 8 TDs from suggestion number 2 want women who take abortion pills at home, without the supervision of a medical profession, to be guilty of an offence.

5) While these 5 sensible suggestions are not a full list of proposed amendments only a person with a heart of stone would reject this one proposal that all women who go through with a termination wear a large ‘A’ letter on their clothes when out in public, and must be followed by a group of five elderly bachelor farmers who are armed with bells and loudly proclaim ‘shame, shame, shame’ for all to hear.

A successful shaming of a woman ‘for her own good’ would then be celebrated by a rake of pints and a speedy drink-drive home.

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