Guide To Injuring Yourself & Suing For A Small Fortune

ARE you short on money and currently living in Ireland? That solution for earning an extra few bob is closer at hand than you may have ever imagined.

With big companies and public bodies willing to settle in and out of court for self-inflicted injuries carried out by members of the public, there has never been a better time to injuring yourself and suing for a small fortune.

WWN has the foolproof guide on how to turn something that is most definitely your own fault into cold hard cash.

1) The first step is to decide on what act of stupidity and irresponsible behaviour that is entirely your own fault that you want to carry out. Remember this questionable decision making, entirely your own undertaking, is key to this whole money generating operation.

While WWN can’t decide what idiotic and dangerous act is for you, we have made a partial list of options below:

a) Bang your head repeatedly on a brick wall and then seek compensation from the manufacturers of said bricks

b) Jump out of a plane with no parachute and sue the airline for not telling you how much it would hurt to jump from a plane without a parachute.

c) Boil a kettle and drink boiling water and sue the manufacturers of kettles for allowing you to make boiling water and stupidly pouring down your throat.

d) Scale the fence in Dublin Zoo and start a fight with a pride of lions, sue Dublin Zoo for letting you do it.

e) Fuck it, drink some bleach. Honestly, there isn’t a hope that an Irish court won’t approve compensation to the tune of €3 million.

f) Using a saw, saw off both your legs and sue the creator of the saw. Jesus, how could someone just let you do that?!

g) Put your mickey in a meat grinder. Scream in agony before passing out, but not before you get the name of the company that makes meat grinders ‘cus you’re gonna sue them, obviously, your decision to chop your lad into smithereens is definitely their fault.

h) Punch yourself in the face and then sue the human race for also owning hands.

2) Now find a legal professional who can successfully tie their laces, hitch a ride to the courts and start spending that hard earned cash that Ireland knows you deserves.