Westlife Never Fucking Off

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DEVASTATING reports reaching WWN this morning seem to confirm the worst fears of music fans everywhere.

Fresh from their music being used to torture detainees in Guantanamo bay, Westlife are to reign further torture on the ear holes of the public as it seems they’re vowing to ‘never fucking off’.

With fresh concert dates announced for 2019 just five years after their final farewell tour when they promised ‘no really, this is the last’, Westlife are unlikely to permanently and decisively fuck off, sparking widespread cries of agony from people who still have their hearing intact.

“Negotiating a surrender is useless, they said they were fucking off five years ago, but their words mean nothing,” confirmed leader of the tactical Shit Music Containment Unit, Striker Matthews.

The SMCU has been severely underfunded for the last decade making the task of suppressing shit music harder and harder which goes a long way to explaining the prevalence and popularity of Ed Sheeran and now the reemergence of Westlife.

“We know it seems bad, but please don’t permanently deafen yourselves. We can get through this together,” Matthews said in a press conference earlier today after rumours people had taken to inserting screwdrivers in their ears.

What exactly is next for music fans is unclear, but direct appeals have been made to Westlife against the advice of the SMCU.

“Why are you doing this? The mortgage not paid off? Look, I’ll pay it if you just fuck off. I’ve €10,000 in savings it’s all yours just please fuck off,” a teary-eyed music fan typed under social media posts announcing the band’s intention to haunt your ears forever.

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