5 Bribes You Should Expect In Tomorrow’s Government Budget

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AHEAD of tomorrow’s budget WWN Finance looks at the little tell tale signs that Minister for Finance Paschal Donohoe and the government are simply just bribing the public in exchange for votes ahead of launching an election in the near future.

Instead of taking a longsighted approach to the overall health of the country’s finances with the impending hit the country will take from Brexit, the next financial crash due any day now and the loss of US multinationals paying fuck all tax, the government is likely to take the shortsighted approach of bribing you for a vote in the next election which will be called almost immediately if polling companies confirm the public really likes tomorrow’s budget.

Below, WWN has gathered 5 clear bribes the government is set to include in its budget:

1) An increase in social welfare

Of course austerity has ravaged the country and decimated many families from all classes who relied on a variety of social welfare payments in the past. But the government isn’t going to increase payments because they believe it’s the right thing to do, no, they’ve got their lecherous eyes all over your sexy votes.

2) A pledge to deliver takeaways to desperately hungover people within 9 minutes of ordering online or over the phone

The government will guarantee to deliver a take away to you in under 10 minutes on the occasions when you’re seriously hungover and desperately in need of a 3-in-1. There may be plans to extend this to Yops, Lucozades, packets of Monster Munch and Chomp bars. Naked electioneering by the Taoiseach and his cabinet.

3) Some more empty promises about rural broadband

Not content with using the last 57 budgets to state that everyone in rural Ireland will have 900 gigabyte broadband within 24 hours, the government are going to make that same promise again tomorrow in some form.

4) New scheme which will see one house built in the next year

Keenly aware of how terrible the housing crisis is, the Minister for Finance will unveil a huge promise to build around one house in the next 12 months. Make no mistake, with promises like this, the government is bribing the public in exchange for votes.

5) Lying about a whole host of other things

Big promises will be made on investment in the HSE, education, mental health services, pay for nurses, teachers, army recruits, gardaí and a whole host of others, which sounds like a good thing to any reasonable person. However, once this bribe proves successful all footage of these promises will be erased from Dáil chambers CCTV and Fine Gael act like it never happened.

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