TAKING THE temperature of the Irish public ahead of the upcoming presidential election it has become clear to WWN that many people feel shortchanged by the array of current candidates on offer.
Underwhelmed by the names that will appear on the ballot, WWN has attempted to build the perfect presidential candidate in conjunction with the robot engineering folks at Boston Dynamics.
While robotics has some way to go in delivering a human looking robots, we are pleased to have fused a number of elements into the final candidate President EireBot 001CZ4. Here’s how we did it:
1) Singing voice of Dana
A president being good at poetry is one thing, but you need to kick start a proper session with a song.
2) Rabid, fanatic Catholicism of Eamon de Valera
But only on Sundays. President EireBot 001CZ4 is a president for all the people of Ireland after all.
3) Social conscience of a Dragons’ Den businessman
The public seemed to have connected with the messages coming from all 138 Dragons’ Den candidates, including Sean Gallagher who is famously so passionate about social causes he only mentions them once every 7 years, during a presidential campaign.
4) Selfie abilities on par with an Instagram Influencer
While we’re just a few years away from the first Instagram Influencer Taoiseach, it is clear any Irish president worth his or her salt will require the skillset needed to carefully promote and correctly tag all sponsored Presidential posts.
5) The physicality of someone who could play rugby and the arrogance of someone who played rugby
Something severely lacking in all previous candidates, somebody who is just insufferably arrogant in that way people, who were privately educated, rarely are.
6) The granny/grandad factor
It is clear all future presidents must possess a gentle grandparent like quality so President EireBot 001ZC4 will always carry around Werthers Original and be able to knit a scarf at a moments notice.
7) The odd completely mental idea or belief just to keep us all on our toes
While it is a controversial opinion to hold, Pres EireBot 001ZC4 will demand angry and aggressive cats be stapled to the backs of young children as a way of protecting them from ‘stranger danger’.
8) Just absolutely mad for a United Ireland
Make no mistake President EireBot 001ZC4 would personally kill anyone who gets in the way of a United Ireland – this is due to an oversight on our part which forgot to switch off ‘murder mode’. Approach President EireBot 001ZC4 with caution.