IN A FLAGRANT attempt to soften their image as a heartless party deaf to the concerns of the most vulnerable in Ireland, Fine Gael have begun adopting ‘rougher’ inner city accents in a bid to slowly win over ‘the povos’, WWN can reveal.
After consulting a variety of market research companies in a bid to help boost their numbers in the polls, Fine Gael have resolved to mimic the accents of those they least want to encounter in their daily lives.
“The market research couldn’t have been clearer, all focus groups, made up of many people from poorer areas around the country, stated their concerns,” confirmed one researcher employed by Fine Gael.
“They want a cut in the waiting lists at hospitals and other bullshit like that”.
Consulting with the wealth of research in their hands, the government resolved to meet their obligations to the public in full.
“Once we put all that shite in the bin and burned it, the recycling bin I must point out, we’re not monsters, then all binge watched Young Offenders and Love Hate and started working on scumbag accents. We think the public will really respond to this messaging,” confirmed one Fine Gael TD, now wearing a retro 90s tracksuits while constantly spitting on the ground for no good reason.
Elsewhere, now that Louth TD Peter Fitzpatrick has left the party, Fine Gael will likely rely solely on convicted criminal Michael Lowry for providing the decisive vote in passing this year’s budget. However, the party deny a fresh delivery of new roads and whatever else is needed to the Tipperary TD’s constituency this morning is anything but a coincidence.