WHITEWASH with a street value of €400m is currently on its way to Leinster House in a convoy of articulated tanker trucks from a limestone quarry in the midlands, following a quantity report that suggested that the government’s stocks for 2018 were already depleted, with fresh developments in the CervicalCheck scandal just around the corner.
It is believed that the Whitewash reservoir under the Dáil is down to the last few gallons, following a year of ‘putting a shine’ on homelessness figures, A&E trolley numbers and Garda whistleblower scandals, before the first rumblings of the CervicalCheck scandal, where it was revealed that hundreds of Irish women went on to develop cancer after being given the all-clear.
With a new CervicalCheck report due soon but already leaked to the press to get the head-start on controlling the narrative, some 900,000 gallons of viscous milky whitewash is currently on its way to Dublin, with fears growing that another batch may be needed before the week is out.
“Ok so the HSE told hundreds of women the didn’t have cancer, when they actually did. That alone would take about 9 coats of whitewash to look anyway decent,” said Minister For Health Simon Harris, after giving Housing Minister Eoghan Murphy a good bollocking for using all the distemper in the house.
“Then we said we’d do an enquiry and inform all the victims before we released the findings, and whoops… butterfingers, it got leaked. So, another few coats needed there. And all this is before the actual review is read, and people find out that we’re not having a commission of investigation at all, we’re just going to ‘handle it in-house’… which in itself is a 12-coat job. Lads, ring up Roadstone and tell them to keep mining limestone, this could be a long couple of weeks”.
Although the 2018 budget for Whitewash has been exhausted, Minister Harris was able to procure funding for the new batch by diverting money away from the HSE itself.