IT is our solemn duty to inform the public that despite decades of wealth, the rap artist born Marshall Bruce Mathers III, also known as Slim Shady, also known as Eminem, is still to this day completely and utterly gosh-darn ticked off at everything.
This week the Detroit-born rapper released Kamikaze, his first studio album in almost a whole year, with many music experts expecting this to be the record where Marshall finally let down his tough facade after nearly 20 years in the game and rapped about happy things, such as having loads of money and more success than most music stars could ever hope to achieve in ten lifetimes.
But unfortunately, Kamikaze features Em rapping angrily about subjects such as the US government, having two $5,000 symbols on a scratch ticket with one panel left to scratch and that panel has $500 so for just a second you think you’re about to win five grand but in actual fact, you’ve won nothing, and his mother.
“Eminem… why are you just so angry?” wondered long-time fans of the artist, who have themselves grown up into fairly happy middle-aged people.
“Every year or so, a new album, but just the same amount of anger and fury, just so… pissed off at everything. Come on Em, go buy a nice car. Go to Disneyland. Eat a Pot Noodle for breakfast and watch TV all day. Have a walk in the countryside. It’s not as if your entire brand revolves around appealing to people who are angry at the world for no good reason; young people will still buy your albums! They’ll listen to anything a 45-year-old man says!”
UPDATE: Eminem has responded to WWN with what we’re told is known as a ‘diss track’ in which he has said some horrible, truly horrible things about us.