SO FAR in the early days of the 2018 Irish Presidential Election, much noise has been made in the media and online by those attempting to dethrone President Michael D. Higgins. Many politics fans have disparagingly referred to the majority of candidates as ‘total fucking nutjobs’ or ‘space cadets’ but WWN has a duty to look at their ideas, ideologies, and plans with impartial journalistic integrity.
Democracy is only weakened if we dismiss good, honest people seeking to make Ireland and the world a better place, we must listen with open ears and hearts to their ideas, no matter how radical they seem or how opposed we are to them in principle.
So WWN has listed below the 19 wackiest ideas so far:
1) A new series of Dragons’ Den
Proposed by all 147 former Dragons’ Den judges who are currently running for president.
“Seriously. Please. I need the money” – all men said on separate occasions in the last few days of campaigning. Some crying at length.
2) “No spiders!”
Candidate Fergal MacCrummond shared his idea with Monaghan County Council today, while light on detail, MacCrummond shouted it repeatedly at impressive volume while wearing bird feeders for shoes, the rest of his body covered entirely in stamps. He has since been endorsed by several local councillors across the country.
3) “Vaccinations for children to prevent previous vaccinations taking effect”
Worried at the rise in people listening to the advice of medical experts and professionals, one candidate Emma Longley proposed vaccinations for all children which would stop other vaccinations from working. Sadly she has died of smallpox since making her speech.
4) Kicking out all the immigrants and refugees including the ones that aren’t even here yet
Under proposals by right wing candidate and good honest person Donal Ownall, the Irish army would be enlisted to venture overseas to other countries where the army would formally kick immigrants, migrants, vagrants and refugees out of Ireland, even though not are physically in Ireland or attempting to gain entry to Ireland.
5) “We have to send them a message”
Candidate endorsed by Tynan Automotives and Burgers, Niall Cleary shared this idea with Clare County Council. No further details were given.
6) “I would be a president for all the people of Ireland”
Confirmed visionary orator and idea generator man Sean Baffin. Baffin then followed that idea up “I said it first, no one else can say it now, I have first dibs”. He later lost his temper, cried and called his mother to complain when one of the other candidates said he too wanted to be a candidate for all the people.
7) “I’ll bring all my businessy business entrepreneurial entrepreneuring to the office of president. I’ll be President Business. You will call me by that name when I’m elected. Thank you everyone”.
Barry Hack, a giant thumb posing as a human being made this claim as he addressed the weekly meeting of the Fertherdcarrick Parish’s Over 80 Door Handle Enthusiasts Club.
8) Minimum height restriction for the presidency
A clear and transparent aim at trying to restrict Michael D Higgins running for reelection. However, a closer look at the outline of the proposal scribbled in highlighter on the forearm of candidate Noleen Ní Crossan makes on mention of stilted or stepladders being banned, so Higgins would easily make the required height.
9) “Kill them all, especially the women”
Peter Joseph Crannihan, the official candidate for the Irish Satanist Party said before handing out slices of a lovely homemade battenberg cake to journalists and supporters.
10) Changing the entire purpose and role of the presidency, and the responsibilities of the office holder so that all the shite they can spout can be made into law immediately despite whatever the Constitution states.
Something all 982 candidates have said since joining the race.