Peregrine Falcon-Friendly Cafe Closes Amid Safety Concerns

WATERFORD’S first and only peregrine falcon-friendly cafe has closed its doors after less than a week, with the owners fleeing the country amid dozens of compensation claims from customers injured by a number of the beautiful but deadly birds of prey while enjoying their americanos and €9 panini sandwiches.

Copying the business model of dog-friendly cafes across the country, Lattes & Talons opened its doors last Saturday, welcoming customers who arrived with or without their peregrine falcons.

Although the ambience in the cafe was initially relaxed and laid-back, this rapidly changed after one customer’s falcon made a swoop for an almond croissant, triggering mass panic among the 7 or so razor-beaked birds, who began to tear strips from both staff and clientele in a flurry of blood and feathers, maiming 18 wannabe novelists in the process.

“It was a foolproof business model. A safe space for falconers to relax with their pets, enjoy a mocha, feed the birds with dead mice,” said Ian Dessingham, who lost an eye in the melee.

“Unfortunately, it seems that bringing a number of the most lethal, unstoppable natural predators in the world into a cafe was just a really bad idea. To compound our failure, our decision to build a high ceiling turned out to be a dreadful decision, as it allowed the birds to reach heights that allowed them to go into controlled dives, hitting their targets at incredible speeds, spilling their coffees and leaving them clinging to life”.

Lattes & Talons is closed until further notice, with falconers urged to try any of the nine copycat hybrid aviary/ coffee shops that have sprung up around town.