DO you find it impossible to pee while there’s other people present? Does your stream take forever to start while you build up the courage to urinate? You could be one of 5% of the population that suffers from bladder shyness.
Bladder shyness can be a debilitating condition which mostly affects the male population, forcing them to bypass vacant urinals and queue for private cubicles instead. But how does one build up their bladder’s self confidence? Please follow our five steps below.
1) Find The Root Of Your Bladder’s Fears
Most of the time bladder shyness can be traced back to one particular moment in time when your bladder shied away from doing its job. This is usually followed by total dred and the thoughts that the person or persons beside you know you’re just standing there with your foreskin peeled back, and your gaping head sticking out there like shaved meerkat, dry as a bone. This first failure can be devastating, so unearthing that emotion again can give your bladder recurring memories, but this is good for progress – your bladder needs to talk about it.
2) Tell Your Bladder How Great It Is
Ask your bladder is everything okay. Sometimes bladders are moody and don’t like it when there are other bladders are around. Bladders are territorial like that, so you just need to warn your bladder that there will be times when bigger, better bladders are in close proximity, but just tell it to be happy in itself and not worry about how it distributes the byproduct of your metabolism. Tell your bladder what a great job it is doing every time you pee. Don’t be afraid to congratulate it for holding it in sometimes too, as this is an important part of its function. You must not confuse the bladder, but make it obey you.
3) Drop The Fact That Your Bladder Is Doing A Great Job Into Every Conversation
Usually done with a wink and a nudge so it doesn’t see, compliment your bladder to your friends and family, and urge them to compliment it too. For instance, say things like “Oh! Did you hear how great my bladder did at Electric Picnic, John? Aw man, it was class. Pissed every time”. Get your friend’s to do the same, feeding them lines like “Aw, Jesus, your bladder is so brave”, stuff like that. It’s those little moments that will build your bladder’s self esteem right up again, and it will thank you for it in later life.
4) Start Slagging Off Other Bladders
Once your bladder has started getting its mojo back, there is no harm in openly slagging off other bladders. Building up your bladder to be a bit of a bully may sound like an awful thing to do, but trust us when we say that encouraging your bladder to be an alpha bladder is key to its future public peeing. Make tutting noises when you see other people’s puny streams. Don’t be afraid to purposely splash other peoples undercarriages while you aim right on the urinal cake. Bounce that shit off there, let them know whose bladder is boss.
5) Piss Everywhere
The key to retaining this newly found confidence is to piss absolutely anywhere you can: laneways, friends’ backyards, shop fronts, the queue for McDonalds, grottos, parks, ATM machines, basically any public location is perfect. Once you’ve got that confidence back, you will find it very hard for your bladder to go back to it’s old cowardly ways.