“Where are the kids? They’re still living with us, right?” asked wife and mother of three Janet Maher, as herself and husband Paul waded through the empty wine bottle littered floor of their semi-detached Dublin home.
The Mahers are just one of thousands of young couples slowly adjusting to reality, as the groggy daze of Britain’s number one dating show lifts for yet another year.
“Jesus, Damien is still playing Roblox, Janet!” Paul shouts down the stairs, as he peels his sons worn down fingers from the Monster Munch laced keyboard, “I think he needs a haircut. Where’s Abbey?” he then asked, referring to their 5-year-old daughter, who had just graduated playschool in June, last time they checked”.
Season four of the British dating reality show began on 4 June 2018, snaring hundreds of thousands of unsuspecting viewers across Ireland, with many of them now emerging from their lairs dazed and confused, and needing a hit.
“Paul, we can’t keep going on like this, we can’t commit to Love Island Australia, not now, not until we find the other kids,” the now frantic Janet Maher barked as she desperately searched for her last two unaccounted for children, who may or may not be with her parents, or at summer camp – she couldn’t be sure.
“It’s okay, Jan, the Gardaí have Jake,” Paul replied after opening several official looking envelopes marked ‘urgent’ under their front door letter-box.
Since its finalé over 12 hours ago at the time of writing, hundreds of Love Island addiction centres have been erected nationwide, many of them looping reruns of the first three seasons, while also trying to migrate fans to the Australian version for the time being, until a solution is met.
“Many of the couples we see are in their mid thirties, so it’s quite sad to see people so young fall into a hole like this,” explained Waterford addiction counsellor Thomas Kerns, “all we can do now is to wean them off of it by pointing out all the obvious fake bits, the scripted lines and overly produced VTs and hope that they might come round someday”.
If you know someone affected by this year’s Love Island please admit them to your nearest addiction centre for treatment.