THE IRISH government’s UN charm offensive continues in New York today despite the fact the country has an underfunded police, army and everything else related to the security of the nation, WWN can confirm.
Politely requesting to be allowed attend the cool kids table at the UN where you get to discuss important things like international security, Taoiseach Leonidas Varadkar even roped in famous security expert Bono in a bid to convince international leaders Ireland knows how to properly lock up their bikes among other security things.
“Imagine Ireland on the UN Security Council,” marveled one spokesperson for the Taoiseach, who only speaks for him in an official capacity when he says things that make the Fine Gael leader look good.
“Jesus, it’d be like having the Saudis, the Chinese and the Iranians on the UN Human Rights Council; a complete joke but at least they’re there like,” concluded the spokesperson.
Taking a cursory glance at Ireland’s security credentials, some holding power within the UN were surprised by what they saw.
“Eh, it says here your police cars are falling apart, your ambulances are falling apart, your soldiers sleeps in cars. And your utterly defenceless against, sorry the writing is smudged here, oh yeah, that’s it, defenceless against everything,” one UN mover and shaker said before admitting he’d be delighted to welcome Ireland aboard.
The UN’s Big Person Table For Important Things could see Ireland allowed to attend major discussions on a broad range of topics before being laughed at and vetoed when they made suggestions.
In his final begging to international officials, the Taoiseach stated “please, please, let us on, You have no idea how good this will make me look”.