Man Hay Fever: The Facts

A DEADLY new strain of hay fever is currently gripping the male population of Ireland, with symptoms that are said to be exponentially more severe than the regular variant of the pollen intolerance.

With women said to be largely unaffected, the strain dubbed ‘Man Hay Fever’ is said to be almost as lethal as other man-based diseases such as Man Flu, Man hangover, and Man diarrhoea.

Experts at the World Health Organisation have issued the following list of symptoms for Man Hay Fever, as well as guidelines about how to deal with the potentially lethal condition:

Watery eyes, runny nose

This is one of the most common symptoms of Man Hay Fever and the one which makes a lot of people, mainly women, mistakenly diagnose it as regular hay fever. However, Man Hay Fever comes with far worse watery eyes than regular hay fever, and a more severe runny nose. It may not look worse than your girlfriend’s hay fever, but it really is. Sniffle a lot and complain about it, and she’ll soon realise it’s a totally different disease.

Sore throat, sinus pain

Unlike the sore throat and sinus pain that comes with regular hay fever, the Man Hay Fever variant is really sore, like really, really sore now. This is most common in people who have never suffered hay fever before, and as such it’s impossible that they have hay fever now. This is clearly something new, something that nobody else has ever had. Or cancer. it might be cancer. Lads, you either have Man Hay Fever, or throat cancer. We’re not sure which is worse.

The cure

Man Hay Fever is currently incurable, but help may be at hand. Experts suggest a strict regime of sniffling, complaining, whinging, doing nothing except moaning, and cursing loudly at daisies may be enough to get you through the summer, but it’s very possible that the whole front of your face may have to come off. Until then, make sure to sneeze as loudly as possible as often as possible, and say things like ‘fuck sake, did you see what was in that?’ after every sneeze.

As a precautionary measure, the HSE has constructed a massive bonfire in the midlands which sufferers of Man Hay Fever can throw themselves into, ending their pitiful misery once and for all. We’ll see you there.