Croke Park Is The Only Stadium In The Country, GAA Confirm

THE GAA, the governing body for Gaelic Games in Ireland, has set the record straight and corrected the false stories emanating from around the country, specifically Kildare, which incorrectly claim the GAA has use of more than one stadium.

Issuing a statement after the Kildare county board invented an imaginary stadium they claim can hold a home qualifier match, the GAA has tried to reassure football fans over claims Croke Park isn’t the only stadium in Ireland.

“There is but one stadium in Ireland, and it is called Croke Park. Jesus, do you not think we’d absolutely love to have Kildare play their home drawn match against Mayo in their own ground? But for that to happen Kildare would have to have GAA pitches and it’s a verifiable fact the only GAA pitch in the country is located inside Croke Park,” a GAA spokesman stated.

Responding to accusations that the GAA are erotically suckling on the teeth of the their cash cow Croke Park, the GAA first criticised such a disturbing image before rejecting the claim outright.

“First off, we wouldn’t know how to suckle on the udder of a cow and anyone is says otherwise is a liar, and secondly, this is a perfectly reasonable decision that benefits and upholds the values of the GAA. This isn’t some cash grab motivated by pressure from an English sports broadcaster, it’s not about money,” added the spokesman, dressed entirely head to toe in an English Premier League soccer kit while carrying a year’s supply of Club Orange and Caramc bars in a bag.

Kildare have stated they will refuse to play in Croke Park against Mayo, with the Mayo county board believed to be willing to also refuse to play the tie there, in an act of solidarity which will make life difficult for the GAA.

“Well, that’s what we told Kildare, but fuck that, this curse isn’t going to lift itself,” confirmed Mayo who have arrived at Croke Park this morning despite the match taking place on Saturday.