TEMPERATURES are set to hit highs of 29 degrees next week and well, you’re fucked, we’re all fucked. But can the fragile physiological Irish bodies we call home cope with being hotter than the centre of the Sun (this point will be disputed by so-called experts but since humans have never been to the Sun, we’ll never know if it’s hotter than 29 degrees there).
WWN have compiled 6 tips to help prepare for being melted down to look like an insultingly inaccurate Madame Tussauds waxwork of a human being.
1) Go naked. Look, we’re all adults here, and we’re living in Ireland. We know full well we’re not used to this, so everyone will understand the heating hindrance clothes can be. They only add to the problem. Let it all hang out and catch what little breeze there is. If everyone promises to be sound and not look at each other’s bits, we can get through this.
2) Make sure to keep a constant supply of ice cubes, placing them on your most sweat prone areas such as your armpits and your crotch in order to cool yourself down. WWN is not liable for any ice burns incurred on genitalia.
3) Mount an industrial sized cooling fan onto your back, placing the fan itself directly onto your face, leave no more than a 1cm gap between face and fan to maximum cooling power.
4) Consume all ice cream within 30 seconds of purchase, consume other people’s ice cream too, everyone should help one another out in these testing heat sapping times. See a 99 with a flake, dig in.
5) Accept that you will get burnt because in all honesty who can avoid it, it’s not like we’ve had warning or are aware of the existence of sun cream, or the shade. However, try to just get a little bit of sunburn, not the sort that would require a skin graft down the line.
6) Adapt to life in the same way people living in the Sahara desert have done over thousands of years. Donedeal should have the odd camel or two for sale, that should set you on your way.