THERE were gasps of astonishment at a press conference held in the Ukraine yesterday, after supposedly murdered Russian journalist Arkady Babchenko turned up alive and well, after pulling off an elaborate hoax aimed at exposing threats against his life made by shadowy figures with ties to the Kremlin.
This astonishment was increased as the press conference rolled on, as officials revealed that Babchenko was not the only Russian journalist to have faked his death, and that the unsolved murders of dozens of prominent Putin critics were all part of a grand scheme to show the world that Russia isn’t as bad as it may seem.
“You all believed that our leader Vladimir Putin was going around killing journalists who criticised him and his methods… nah!” said a Russian official, as hordes of presumed-dead journalists filled the room.
“Take a look for yourselves, here they all are!”
Camera bulbs went into overtime in the room as Vladimir Yatsina, Ludmila Zamana, Artyom Borovik, Luisa Arzhieva, Oleg Polukeyev, Alexander Yefremov, Igor Domnikov Sergei Novikov, Iskander Khatloni, Sergei Ivanov, Georgy Garibyan Oleg Goryansky Raif Ablyashev Adam Tepsurkayev Eduard Burmagin, Andrei Pivovarov, Vladimir Kirsanov, Victor Popkov, Andrei Sheiko, Eduard Markevich, Elina Voronova, Oleg Vedenin, Alexander Babaikin, Boris Mityurev, Svetlana Makarenko, Konstantin Pogodin, Valery Ivanov, Alexander Plotnikov, Pavel Morozov, Nikolai Razmolodin, Sergei Zhabin, Nikolai Vasiliev, Paavo Voutilainen, Leonid Kuznetsov, Roderick (Roddy) Scott, Vladimir Sukhomlin, Yury Shchekochikhin, Alikhan Guliyev, Martin Kraus, Alexei Sidorov, Alexei Bakhtin, Shangysh Mongush, Adlan Khasanov, Paul Klebnikov, Maxim Maximov,Vladimir Pritchin, Jan Travinsky, Pavel Makeyev, Magomed Varisov, Alexander Pitersky, Vladimir Pashutin, Tamirlan Kazikhanov, Kira Lezhneva, Vagif Kochetkov, Elina Ersenoyeva, Anna Politkovskaya, Ivan Safronov, Vyacheslav Ifanov, Yelena Shestakova, Gadji Abashilov, Ilyas Shurpayev, Alexander Khodzinsky, Kazbek Gekkiev, Akhmednabi Akhmednabiyev, Timur Kuashev, Dmitry Tsilikin, Yevgeny Khamaganov, Nikolay Andrushchenko, Dmitry Popkov, Andrey Ruskov, and Maksim Borodin all stepped forward, waving sheepishly at the crowd.
“Seriously, do you think the international community would sit back and let a president kill this many private citizens that had opposed his politics?” scoffed the official, as journalists at the event struggled to even come up with a question to ask.
“And continue to do business with that president? Give us the World Cup? Come on now, have a bit of sense”.
As the press conference wrapped up, it was agreed that all is fine in Russian, and everyone felt a little bit foolish for suspecting Putin of being some kind of crazed dictator or something.