May Letting Calls From N. Ireland Go Straight To Voicemail

ALL incoming calls to Theresa May that can be easily traced to anyone within Northern Ireland have been going straight to voicemail for several weeks, WWN can reveal.

Fresh from telling the EU for the 57th time that her dog has consumed her very good and airtight Irish border plans, the British PM is now locked in a regular routine of staring at her phone as it rings out.

“If it’s not the cocking bloody DUP looking to see if we can blame gay people for all things Brexit or talking about ‘irreparable harm done to the Royal bloodline’, it’s the rest of the Northern Irish parties asking that I show some leadership, Christ, have they met me?” a frazzled May relayed to one of her aides as she considered dumping her phone altogether.

Northern Ireland, first discovered by English political explorers the morning after the Brexit referendum, remains a sticking point in EU exit negotiations as the onus remains on May and her cabinet colleagues to continue to disagree on the best way to mess up and fail to find a solution.

“Shit is that them again,” May panicked, as she received a fresh phone call before relief washed over her face as she hung up on a call that turned out, thankfully, to be from the Grenfell Tower Inquiry.

In a last ditch bid to actually start on a meaningful engagement on the realities of the Irish border and the concerns of the majority of people from Northern Ireland, May asked her aide if it was possible to convince the Royal family to have a wedding every week.