“You Don’t Need To Investigate Us, We Fucking Did It”

THE ISRAELI government has kindly offered to save the UN the hassle of investigating allegations of war crimes by the state against unarmed Palestinian protestors which resulted in dozens of deaths and hundreds of injuries, by just coming out and admitting that yup, they ‘shot the fuck out of those people’.

The UN Human Rights Council had met earlier in the week to discus sending an independent team of investigators to the region to discover the truth about the mass shooting in which 60 Palestinians were murdered in the Gaza area amid protests regarding the relocation of the US embassy to Jerusalem, an action that may have contravened the Geneva Convention.

Fully expecting the Israeli government to denounce any such investigation using the time-honoured defence of ‘anti-Israeli sentiment’, the council was instead surprised when the Israeli ambassador declared that he could ‘save everyone a lot of time here’.

“Yeah, we shot as many people as we could, as fast as we could” said the ambassador, sitting with his feet up on the table.

“We could tell you we didn’t, we could tell you that they attacked us first, we could tell you that we were defending ourselves… but d’you know what lads, the truth is we shot the shit out of them. Just look at the victims; men and women, maybe even a few kids, shot in the head, in the back, shot while running away… we shot them, and we’ll shoot them again”.

The ambassador paused to put his hands behind his head and really lie back in his chair.

“Now, what the fuck is anyone going to do about it? Nothing? Thought so. Move along”.