LOCAL man Ian Fehart has returned home from his two-week family holiday in Lanzarote with nothing but good things to say about his trip, with the exception of his opinions of the throng of English lads who were staying in the villa across from him.
Although Fehart, his wife and their young son made the most of their time in the sun, the 34-year-old ‘could have done without’ the loud demeanour, aversion to clothes and general Englishness of the English lads, whose group seemed to vary in numbers from 12 to 10,000 as the fortnight rolled on.
Having doomed his family to the constant thrum of loud music and lads banter by opting for an apartment that was 60 Euro cheaper than the cost of what would have been more exclusive, quieter accomodation with a more continental clientele, Fehart assumed all responsibility for the shortcomings of the holiday, and vows to do better next time.
“There was a lovely view from our balcony, not that you could see it through a sea of sunburned torsos and tribal tattoos,” sighed Fehart, watching his wife unpack after arriving back to their Waterford home.
“I’ll be honest, I’m looking forward to Brexit clamping down on the borders and keeping the English in England as much as possible. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been on a lads holiday before… but it was when I was a fucking lad – some of these blokes are in their late fifties, still going on the lash in Lanzarote like they were teenagers, all day, every day, shouting ‘who are ya’ at random people.
“We’ve forgiven the English for a lot: Cromwell, the North, the Famine… but there’s something about a fat sunburned fucker chain smoking and drinking Strongbow bedside a swimming pool that just brings all that hate rushing back”.
The Fehart family is considering heading to Mecca on holiday next year, or maybe Lourdes, “basically anywhere Britless”.