‘Loser’ Park Bench Not Dedicated To Anyone

A WOODEN bench situated in Waterford’s People’s park has been branded as “a loser” today by locals after the bench was found not dedicated to anyone in particular, raising questions as to why it is even there in the first place.

In an emergency meeting organised by the park’s committee, bench 12d on the south east side was the main focus of the 4 hour briefing which detailed all the reasons why the bench should be removed from its current location and destroyed.

“What use is a bench if it’s not dedicated to some dead person who sat there once?” voiced chair Theresa Holden. “It looks very plain and and impersonal, like it’s nobody’s bench. What kind of loser would want to sit on a loser bench like that?”

Defending the bench, committee member John Casey called on all park benches to be equal, even if they are not dedicated to any particular person, and stated that “personalisationism issues” are rotting the core of the park’s committee.

“Why do we need to dedicate benches to people in the first place?” the 67-year-old maverick told the meeting. “We even dedicated a sapling to some lad who drank cans in the park all the time who died last year. Where does it stop? Should we be dedicating blades of grass next?”

The bench, which is eight feet in length and needing a good varnish, was erected in 2011 following some park upgrades and is one of 14 benches in the park, but the only one that hasn’t been dedicated to someone who liked to sit.

“Maybe we should persuade people to sit on it, old people who will die soon,” suggested another member, who then came up with a conclusion. “We could just make up a name? Sure who will know the difference?”

With that, it was unanimously decided that park bench 12d will be dedicated to Mr. John Doe, with the random dates of May 1st 1956 – June 17th 2014, following his made up name.