THE good weather is finally here, which means you’ve no more excuses, it’s time to sort out the garden like you promised to do several years ago. Put to bed those rumours of ‘getting someone in to do it’… we all know you’ll never spend money on a garden, when there’s pints that you still haven’t bought. Roll up your sleeves, it’s time to get this done:
1) Find a podcast you like
Gardening can be quite relaxing if you do it right simply find a podcast or album that you like and stick in your headphones. Now you can get a couple of hours to yourself listening to something you enjoy, while barking at your significant other to keep them kids in the house while you ‘work’.
They’re all weeds. Just keep telling yourself that. That bush? Weed. Tree? Weed. Trellis? Fancy weed. This blanket weed-labeling gives you free reign to rip everything you see out of the ground and throw it in the brown bin. Buy a shovel and dig it all out of the ground. Kill every living thing you see, and mow the rest of it. Remember to put a bit of mud on your cheeks so you look like you’re really, really working hard.
3) Get a few beers in
Gardening is thirsty work, so a few beers are the least you can ask for.
4) Holy shit, is that money?
Jesus Christ, there’s a big bag of money buried here. Cash, guns, drugs… is our yard being used as a stash-spot for some local criminal gang?
We have enough in this bag to set us up with a new life, far away from here. There’s easily a million. We cannot stay. These men will be back for their money, they’re going to know we found it in the ground. It isn’t safe here. If we go now, we can buy a house in Spain or Portugal, and live comfortably. The kids will love it. We can do this, but we have to go now.
6) Ignore the new garden
Spain is too sunny to go digging up a back yard. Besides, there was an Irish lad at the shop earlier today that looked like he recognised you. Best lay low in the villa for a while.