LIVERPOOL and Egyptian forward Mo Salah ascended to Heaven/Jannah directly after being substituted last night, with God deeming him too precious an example of celestial perfection to risk keeping down on Earth any longer.
A thunderous sound pulsed through Anfield following Salah’s 2 goals and 2 assists with a shaft of immense light striking down on the forward as Liverpool fans wept at first with sorrow, before becoming over-awed with pure unadulterated love.
“Behold, your Saviour ascends,” a booming voice said beckoning to the diminutive figure of Salah as he rose skywards, with the forward himself looking on in wonder and disbelief as he traveled on his way to meet the one true common God who watches over all of humanity.
While initially thought to be taken to the ceaseless paradise of the afterlife, some sources close to the eternal kingdom suggest God was in need of a star player for his annual inter-galactic cross-universe football derby between the Zeebnonian galaxy and the nefarious galactic tyrant Kerkranus.
“Even in other universes, which adhere to different types of gravity, Mo’s pace will be unstoppable and his calmness in front of goal will come in handy against the Zeebnonian’s 30-foot tall, 14-handed, 3-headed keeper,” a heavenly source explained.
There was a brief delay in Salah’s ascension as the merciful creator of the universe, in an act of kindness, paused momentarily to bring the Roma team back to life for the final 10 minutes of the Champions League semi-final first leg after they were completely obliterated by an unstoppable Liverpool side.