WELL, you’ve gone and done it now. From highly-publicised allegations of sexual impropriety to near-fatal drink-driving crashes, celebrities and well-known people need to be ready to drop a heartfelt apology as quickly as possible, to let the public know that they really, really just want everyone to forget about whatever horrible shit they’ve just done.
If you’re a celebrity and you’re planning on doing something illegal or immoral that the public may find out about (or if you’re in the process of doing it right now), here’s what you should be ready to read out on the steps of a courthouse in the next few weeks:
1) “I’ve let you all down”
When apologising, it’s important that you address just how beloved you are by the public, by acknowledging the fact that you’ve ‘let them all down’. Everyone that hears this will think ‘hey, that guy is pretty humble, let’s give him a chance’. Don’t worry about them questioning how you’ve ‘let them all down’. maybe they’ve never heard of you. Maybe you haven’t let them down, maybe you’re just exactly at the level they expected a rich media type to be at, and your current drink-driving charge doesn’t come as a surprise to them at all. Either way, it’ll give you enough time to gloss over your crimes and get to:
2) “I’m going to take some time to reflect”
Not in jail though, LOL! You’re famous, so you’ll get community service or a fine, or ‘fired’, but only for a little while. Which, true to your word, you can use to reflect on your actions. Reflect on them, be thankful that they weren’t a lot worse, regardless of how great an athlete or actor you are, if that kid had died then you’d be in a lot more trouble right now LOOOOL!
3) That’ll about do it
Yep, that’s about it. You’ve said you’re sorry, what more do these people want? Christ, it’s bad enough that you had to get caught, let alone have to stand here begging for forgiveness from a bunch of non-fames. You’ve got famousing to do!