“I’m Just Happy To Be Alive & Used As A Political Pawn” – Yulia Skirpal

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SOURCES close to Yulia Skirpal have confirmed that she’s ‘relieved and happy’ after surviving a nerve agent attack, which only comes second to the joy of being the centre of political wrangling between Russia, Britain, USA and the rest of the world.

“She is gravely concerned for her father, but obviously thankful to be alive, but what has really heartened Yulia, while she lay in hospital fighting for her life, was being blatantly used in petty political squabbles that launched tit for tat sanctions,” explained a source close to Yulia, who may well sell their own story to a tabloid, if the price is right, “she would like to thank people online who used her for both pro and anti-Russia rants”.

The nerve agent attack which has been attributed to Russia by the UK, because come on, sent shockwaves through the Salisbury community who had no idea their local community could play such a big part in being used by international leaders to convey to their public that they were strong and stable leaders.

“With her face splashed across the papers, as tabloids sourced more sympathetic photos which showcased her good looks, she is also thankful to everyone who used her and her father for their own agendas,” added the source close to Yulia.

While Russia continues to deny their involvement in a chemical attack, they were more than definitely involved in, British police forces, MI5 and MI6 officials have confirmed they will question Miss Skirpal in a bid to turn even the most inane response into cast iron proof that Vladimir Putin himself personally carried out the attack.

Elsewhere, the Daily Mail has criticised Miss Skirpal for not having any easy to find bikini pictures.

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