A NEW forensic scan of the tomb where Jesus lay for three days after his crucifixion has revealed that rather than return to life on Easter Sunday, he basically sprung back to life the second the stone rolled shut.
DNA retrieved from scratch marks in the stone walls was found to match samples taken from the Turin shroud, showing that Jesus had some time to kill between his death and his surprise return. So just how did he fill the time? Well, experts believe:
1) He rested
Christ knows, Christ needed a rest at that stage. He’d just spent a long, hard week of preaching, feet-washing, and getting the absolute piss beaten out of himself. Plus he knew that once he resurrected himself, that was it Mr. No-Days-Off for all eternity. 72 hours sleep must have sounded pretty good right then.
2) He got shitfaced
With nothing to eat or drink in the cave due to the fact everyone rightly assumed he wouldn’t need it, Jesus was faced with a problem. So, he had to go down the Bear Grylls route… but Bear never had the ability to turn water into wine, did he? Jesus got hammered drunk on Jesus, leaving himself with such a hangover that Catholics banned alcohol on Good Friday for over 2,000 years.
3) He composed the rock opera ‘Jesus Christ, Superstar’
And psychically beamed it forward in time to Andrew Lloyd Webber. “Fuck that technicolour dreamcoat shit, Andy”, he said.
4) He came up with a foolproof plan for Christianity that would see everyone live in peace forever
By the time Jesus emerged, he’d had time to think about what he wanted for his legacy. He foresaw Christianity stretch out forever, with billions of people across the world living together in peace, and nobody distorting the teachings of the Bible to suit their own twisted agenda. It looked pretty good. He was looking forward to it.
5) He… enjoyed his own company.
It’s not every day that a man gets the house to himself with no disturbances, if you know what we mean.