ANIMAL rights activists have called on the world’s largest energy drink manufacturers to stop the annual slaughter of 500 million red bulls, urging them to substitute the animals liquidised genitalia for another ingredient instead.
“It takes 12 pairs of fully grown red bull testicles to make 100 cans of the energy drink,” a spokesperson for PETA explained, “this is such a waste of life considering the rest of the animal is thrown away, and the impact from breeding so many animals for this purpose is having a huge effect on carbon emissions and a knock-on effect on the environment.
“Plus, it’s just wrong to be drinking sugary blended bovine bollocks like that – it can’t be good for consumer health and well being”.
Established in 1987 in Austria, Red Bull was first founded by entrepreneur Dietrich Mateschitz when he accidentally discovered it after being dared by a friend to drink liquidised red bull testicles, mixed with children’s medicine Calpol 6+ in a soda stream.
“My friend Hans had a pretty fucked up sense of humour. Of course, it sounded awful, but when I tasted that fizzy yellow pissy semen liquid, I knew I was on to something,” Dietrich told a German newspaper in 1992.
Realising the stimulating effects from red bull bollocks, Mateschitz went on to develop the ingredients and packaging to achieve the highest market share of any energy drink in the world, with 6.06 billion cans sold in any one year.
“We have tried black, white, brown and various other colours and types of bull, but the red bull seems to be the best tasting,” a spokesperson for Red Bull later responded, “we believe it’s to do with the red bull urine and semen mix in the liquidation process, and this is what gives consumers their wings”.