Wesley College To Spend Taxpayer Money Far Better Than Pleb Schools Would

MINISTER for Transport, Tourism and Sport Shane Ross has hit back at criticisms surrounding a €150,000 grant for a new hockey pitch awarded to Wesley College last week, stating that the fee-paying students at the prestigious school would get better use out of the money than the feet-dragging paupers in other State-run kips.

Up to 30 publicly-funded school missed out on any form of government grant or aid in the latest round of applications, with the Department deeming parents paying €7,000 a year for their children’s tuition at south Dublin’s Wesley College as more deserving of a newly-resurfaced hockey pitch which would be used for the purposes of playing hockey, as opposed to providing athletic equipment to schools in poorer areas, which would only be used to ‘train kids how to run from the guards’.

Deciding that kids in less-advantaged areas, attending public schools are probably perfectly happy with the sub-standard equipment and facilities that they have because they know no better, the Department awarded the maximum amount of €150,000 to the school in Minister Ross’s constituency, while letting them know to re-apply again if they needed another few quid.

“If the kids at the other schools want to play football, they can bring one from home,” said a spokesperson for the Department of Transport, Tourism and Sport, irked at the notion that State money should be spent on kids who have never worked a day in their lives.

“Most schools have a wall that kids can kick a football up against, and some form of shed where they can go to smoke and make each other pregnant… those kids have no interest in sport, or bettering themselves. The money is better off going to a school like the Wes, so that those kids can get a head start at learning how easy life is going to be when you’re rich and successful to begin with”.

As a show of goodwill, the Department has agreed to donate the old hockey pitch surface to any school that wants it.