AFTER MAKING his return from his St Patrick’s Day trip to America, Taoiseach Leo Varadkar has been asked by the Nation to act less like a fawning idiot next time his job requires him to travel abroad and promote Ireland to the world.
The Taoiseach’s dream week in the US was dented by a harmless controversy surrounding words he voluntarily imparted from his own mouth, seeming to intimate he intervened in a planning dispute in 2014 on behalf of then not US president but still a complete prick, Donald Trump.
Clarifying his remarks and producing proof of communication with Fáilte Ireland, the Taoiseach was able to provide evidence to the Irish public that when he was telling the anecdote in Washington, he was simply embarrassing the Nation with his fawning over the US president, despite having an overwhelming number of reasons not to massage Trump’s ego.
“It was, like, banter, so, like, get over it,” the Taoiseach said, chastising the media for listening to him when speaks in public, in a carefully worded statement put together by the Department of the Taoiseach, the Communications Unit and several private PR firms.
However, the Irish public has continued to appeal to the non-eejit part of the Taoiseach.
“Yeah that’s all well and good, but we know a person making a holy fucking show of themselves when we see one,” retorted the Nation, who foolishly hoped an urbane and modern Taoiseach under the age of 59 might be able to conduct themselves in a manner that didn’t leave them rolling their eyes to heaven and sighing in disgust.
“Look, wherever you’re headed off to next try not licking leader’s holes so aggressively and maybe, if they’ve demonstrated they are classless, ignorant buffoons you don’t have to act like such an eejit that they end up looking like the smart one. Just a thought,” concluded the Nation.